Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Who's Next, Pauly Shore?

Tonight another new prime time TV game show premiered called Show Me the Money. The show is modeled on the recent success of Deal or No Deal and 1 vs 100. All three shows are based on escalating amounts of money being awarded to or taken away from desparate contestants. William Shatner has taken time off from his Priceline.com commercials and Star Trek conventions to host this new show on ABC. But Shatner's presence on the show highlights a disturbing trend.

The hosts of all these money dealing games shows, Howie Mandel (Deal or No Deal), Bob Saget (1 vs 100) and Shatner, are all Jewish. I guess if you're a washed up Jewish actor in Hollywood, there's a game show being focus-grouped just for you.

I hear Richard Lewis has already been lined up for FOX's "Shyster!"

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Real Scary Movie

For some reason, typical horror films, with their formulaic plots and predictable shockers, just don't scare me. I'm more creeped out by psychological thrillers like "The Shining" or one of the more eerie Rod Serling "Twilight Zone" episodes.

But this movie, sends chills down my spines and brings chuckles up from my belly.

Enjoy and be nice to pumpkins.

The Life and Death of a Pumpkin

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

White Ashes to Ashes

You may have seen the story about Major League Baseball licensing logos to mortuaries. If not, the picture here speaks for itself. In case it doesn't, I submit the following captions for this image, and invite you do the same in the comments area:

- Here lie the hopes of a Phillies' Championship.

- That Phanitic suit is hot inside...really hot.

- In loving memory of Tommy Green's arm.

- Look, I finally caught a foul ball!

- I just couldn't stand to watch Mitch Williams in Game 6 of '93 series. Can someone tell me what happened?

- Kiteman, may he rest in peace.

- Never wear an Emmitt Smith jersey to any Philadelphia sporting event. Ever.

- You shouldn't have booed me.

- "I'm a very safe pilot."

- Wait 'til next life.

Friday, October 13, 2006

FW: FW: Re: RE: FW:

>>>>The greatest thing about the rapid expansion of the blogosphere, is that
>>>>my inbox no longer gets bogged down with annoying group e-mails. People
>>>>with blogs no longer feel compelled to forward along every article or funny
>>>>e-mail they come across. They just simply post their interesting tidbits online
>>>>for perusal at my leisure. I love it. Thank you blog people.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

...until it killed him.

When I meet my final end (hopefully many, many decades from now), let no one say: "He died doing what he loved." If I'm killed participating in an activity that I loved, I'll bet I wasn't enjoying it right up until the end. And if I knew that this activity would eventually kill me, I probably never would have done it in the first place, let alone grow to love it.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

They're "Trained by Professionals"

With the tragic passing of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, let us all be reminded of the brave TV hosts that put themselves in harm's way every day for our entertainment. For instance, watch these valiant daytime news anchors as they participate in science-man Steve Spangler's daring experiments. Man, I love local news. I could watch this stuff all day. Oh, and remember, don't try this at home:

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Swing and a Long-Held Grudge

Tonight Ryan Howard hit his 49th home run of the season. In doing so, Howard set a new single-season home run record for the Philadelphia Phillies, surpassing Mike Schmidt's 48 home runs in 1980.

Michael Jack Schmidt was the Phillies' starting third baseman for more than 16 seasons. He was a 3-time MVP, 12-time All-Star and was the World Series MVP for the Phillies one-and-only championship in 1980. He won 10 Gold Gloves and 8 home run titles. When he retired in 1989, he was seventh on the all-time home run list with 548.

As a young boy growing up in suburban Philadelphia, Schmitty was my childhood hero. I collected Mike Schmidt's baseball cards. My favorite number was 20 (his jersey number). I wished I could grow as moustache. I watched Phillies games just so I could wait for him to come to bat. Every kid on my little league team imitated Schmidt's batting stance (and trademark butt-wiggle). And we argued about who would win in a fist fight: Mike Schmidt or Superman (Answer: Mike Schmidt).

In April 1987, Michael Jack hit his 500th home run at Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh. It was a huge milestone in Philadelphia sports history. The day he hit it, my brother Jason and I were at home watching the game on TV. In the 6th inning, the Phillies were losing and our mother dragged us out of the house to go buy shoes. My brother's Bar Mitzvah was coming up and I guess shoes were a higher priority. After picking out just the right pair of junior wingtips, we returned to the car and tuned in the game on the radio. Andy Musser and Chris Wheeler, the Phils' radio broadcasters, were talking excitedly describing the big moment that had just happened. Schmitty had hit number 500. Not only that, it was a game winning shot. It was one of the biggest moments in my hero's career and I was in a shoe store.

To celebrate Schmidt's accomplishment, a commemorative video was released fittingly called "That Ball's Outta Here: The Mike Schmidt Story." It followed Schmidt through the first part of the season as he chased the 500 mark. It showed him on the phone with his wife, fielding questions from the press at his locker and taking extra BP before games. The first time I watched the video, at the moment when they show Schmidt silently swinging in slow motion, connecting for the historic blast, I started to cry. I still get choked up just thinking about that scene. Watching the video was the closest I would come to reliving that moment. Did I mention I was in a shoe store at the time?

When the video went on sale, Schmitty was scheduled to make an appearance at our local video store to autograph copies. I begged my mother to take me along. I had never gotten a chance to meet my hero in person. Here was her chance to make-up for the shoe fiasco. After much pleading, my mother decided I would stay in school that day. I wouldn't be meeting my idol.

My mother still went on her own to the video store. When I got home from school that day, she talked about what it was like to meet him -- how broad his shoulders were and how he seemed so tall even while sitting down. From a bag she pulled out the commemorative video she'd gotten him to sign. In dark, bold writing, it read "To Jason, Happy Birthday. Mike Schmidt." My brother's birthday was coming up soon and my mother had thoughtfully gotten him a personalized autograph. I thought it was so cool that Mike Schmidt knew it was my brother's birthday. I couldn't wait to see my personalized copy of the video, too.

This may come as a surprise, but there was no personalized autograph for me. There was only one copy of the video and it had my brother's stupid name scribbled all over it. My mom said not to worry. She had also managed to get him to autograph a small 4x6 photograph she'd taken of him at a Fuji Film Photo Night at Veterans Stadium a couple years earlier. Wow. I couldn't wait to put it on display in my room.

It was then explained to me that the small autographed photo was to remain inside the video's box, which conveniently lived in a cupboard in my brother's room. I was not allowed to have it.

From time to time, I would go into my brother's room, take out the video and peek at the small autographed photo inside. It reminded me of my mother's own story about her father's Babe Ruth autograph. As a young girl, she would go into her father's desk and pull out an old program with the Babe's signature on the cover. But someone else in the family had made off with it. To this day, she doesn't know where it is.

A few years ago, when I was visiting my parent's house, I went into my brother's old room and for old times sake took out the video. The autographed photo slipped out of the box and fell into my lap. I looked at it for a moment, placed it on the bed and put the video away. I carefully slid the photo into an envelope and put it in my suitcase. The next day, I left with the autograph quietly tucked away. No one in my family would realize it was gone until they came to my home years later and saw it on display, in a frame, being enjoyed.

I've met and had meaningful encounters with a fair share of famous people in my life -- from Bill Cosby to Cal Ripken, Jr. But I don't ask for autographs. Autographs are for kids. Rather than asking people to scribble their name on a piece of paper, I prefer to strike up a dialogue. In my opinion, it makes for a far more memorable connection. How can someone have any respect for you if the first thing you do is ask them to write their name down? But because I've never had personal contact with my boyhood hero, Schmidt's autograph is the only thing I have.

So to my family members that would like the autograph back, I'd like to remind you of the 10-year old boy wiggling his butt and swinging a wiffleball bat in the middle of the living room. If you really want the autograph back, I suggest you schedule a personal audience for me and Michael Jack. Then I will gladly give up the photo. Until then, happy shoe shopping.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Yonder Piggly Wiggly

This weekend I drove myself to the grocery store to buy a few things. First I stopped and picked up a sandwich for lunch. The bill was $4.11. I paid for it with a five dollar bill. The cashier handed me my receipt and a bulky handful of change which I stuffed in my pocket. After quickly gulping down my lunch, I ran into the market. Grabbing just an armful of items from the shelves, I made my way to the checkout.

I usually avoid the express lanes because I often find them slower than the regular ones. What happens is that a dozen people, all with "10 items or less [sic]," swarm the express lane. Meanwhile the regular lanes always have shorter lines and I believe they move faster. Scanning and bagging the groceries is quite fast. It doesn't take that much longer to ring up 20 or 30 items than it does 10. It's the transactions, with people writing checks, fumbling with the credit card machine or sifting through purses for exact change that really drag things down. I'd rather take my chances behind one person with a huge cart full of food, than 8 people who might be writing checks.

But this weekend, I saw the express lane had only a very short line and I thought I would give it a shot. To my surprise, I was quickly at the front having my few items scanned. The total was $13.35.

In addition to avoiding express lanes, I almost always pay for groceries by credit card. But because I was in an express lane, I thought I would be considerate and pay by cash. That's always the fastest way, right? Especially if I have exact change.

So I reached down into my pocket knowing that I had a sizeable amount of change. But the coinage had become intermingled with my car keys, the paper receipt from lunch and an alarming amount of pocket lint. I was able to fish out a few coins: a quarter and a penny. Nervously, I reached in again, pulled out my keys and the receipt and set them on the counter. With the obstacles clear, I was able to get out the full collection of change. Sorting out a quarter, nickel and dime, I handed them to the cashier. I then reached into my bill fold to hand over the correct amount of cash. This is when I realized I didn't have as much money with me as I'd thought. After buying lunch, I now only had a five and three ones. I was five dollars short.

I felt mortified. I apologized to the cashier and asked for the change back so that I could pay by credit card. I was now one of those people holding up the express line. As I reached in for my credit card, I turned around to express my contrition to my fellow customers waiting behind me. That's when I noticed her. It was Betty.

Betty was my friend from the local post office. Betty was the line nazi who was mean to her customers. I recognized her immediately. She was wearing a blue USPS shirt and a name tag that read, "Betty."

I nodded at Betty. She gave me a sharp stare and flicked her tongue.

"Sorry about this," I said to her.

"Uh huh. Just keep it moving," she barked.

"I'm just going to..."

"Stop talking and start paying," she interrupted.

Turning back to the cashier, I put away my credit card. I reached into my wallet and pulled out a slip of paper I've had folded up in my wallet for emergencies just like this. I knew I had to do it for all the people in my ZIP code who have had a run in with Betty. I unfolded the paper, picked up a pen and said to the cashier:

"I'll just pay by check."

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Remember Cop Rock?

In 1990, the Berlin Wall came down. The first President Bush was in the White House starting the first Iraqi war. Yours truly was in seventh grade. A postage stamp cost 25 cents. Julio Franco was a spry 33 years of age. Brian McCann was 7. And the Atlanta Braves finished the season with a record of 65-97, in last place, 26 games behind the NL West Champion Cincinnati Reds. (Remember when the Braves were in the NL West?) And the NL East was won by the Pittsburgh Pirates. (Yes, those Pittsburgh Pirates.) The Florida Marlins, Colorado Rockies, Arizona Diamondbacks and Tampa Bay Devil Rays didn't even exist yet.

In the fifteen seasons following, the Braves tallied up a record of 1431-931 -- a .606 winning percentage -- and won fourteen division titles by a total of 116 1/2 games. Only the strike-shortened 1994 season left them without a banner that year, even though they were trailing the Montreal Expos by six games at the time.

(Here's where I feel obligated to disclose that from 1991 through 2005, my hometown Philadelphia Phillies racked up a combined record of 1144-1218 -- a .516 losing percentage -- and only made it to the post-season once losing to the Toronto Blue Jays in the 1993 World Series. We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.)

Here we are today at the end of August 2006. The Braves are 60-68, in fourth place and 19 games behind the division leading New York Mets. The Mets have a "Magic Number" of 20 to clinch the NL East. It will be the first time in 15 years that the Braves will watch someone else hoist their division's pennant. Even better yet, the Braves are only five games ahead of the last-place Washington Nationals. Any combination of Nationals wins and Braves losses, totaling 39, will mean the Braves finish in last place. Let's call this the "Black Magic Number." We'll track it throughout the next five weeks.

Braves fans old enough to remember powder-blue uniforms aren't unfamiliar with last place. Before their historic run, the Braves were pretty bad. Okay, really bad. They finished dead last four times between 1986 and 1990. Before 1991, the Braves only moved on to the post-season twice, in 1982 and 1969, since moving to Atlanta in 1966.

The Braves more than made up for those losing seasons with their unprecedented streak of domination since 1991. In that time, they've won fourteen consecutive division pennants. Fourteen. That's fourteen trips to the playoffs. But this is where their legacy will be a bit more hazy. Because baseball, ultimately, is about winning a trophy, getting a ring and staking claim as champions of the "world."

Of those 14-straight division championships the Braves won, only one yielded a World Series title. Yes, they made it to the world series on five occasions. But that's only five out of fourteen -- 36 percent. And of those five, only one ring. One. Even with a post-season record of 81-62 since 1991, the Braves pursuit of championships has been mired in futility. Especially in recent seasons where they have been eliminated in the first round five of the last six years. It got so bad, the Braves had trouble selling seats to playoff games in the last few years. Where else do you see empty seats during playoff games? (I'm looking at you, NHL.)

The phrase "high school hero, real life zero" comes to mind. The Braves are regular season bruisers, post-season losers. That empty mantle will be their legacy. Many will disagree. In a few weeks, or even days, the debate can begin. The Braves will not win the Wild Card. On October 1, at the conclusion of the 2006 regular season, the Braves will find themselves on the sidelines. Then history can decide if they belong in the company of the New York Yankees or the Buffalo Bills. One thing they won't have to worry about: being compared to the Philadelphia Phillies.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Brother, Can You Spare a Vote?

Baltimore has the longest red lights of any city in the country. It makes driving in this city really annoying. These red lights can lengthen your commute by over twenty percent and needlessly increases the waste of fossil fuels.

The extended red lights also create a very dangerous situation as people race between signals at breakneck speeds. Some drivers just run the lights all together. To combat this, the city has installed red light cameras at 50 intersections. So now, in addition to having the longest red lights in the land, Baltimore is also the red-light camera capital of the world. Receiving a commemorative photo of your license plate in the mail makes for a nice keepsake, but will also set you back a few bucks.

But the oil companies and the City of Baltimore aren't the only ones who benefit from the long red lights. The traffic back-ups caused by mistimed, lengthy traffic lights also make panhandling at intersections a big business in this town. Major intersections swarm with itinerants and vagrants, each with their own unique and gruesome disfigurement on display.

One of these major intersections is part of my daily commute. It's populated by these licentious degenerates morning, noon and night. They wander up and down the median begging for change. They seem to work in shifts. Every morning there is the same toothless hippie with long grey hair, an acutely swollen hand and a limp that would do Hugh Laurie proud. In my head I call him "Stinky." During the evening rush hour a gaunt woman with one leg wobbles on crutches. I think of her as "Hoppy." And late at night, an older gentleman with no apparent disability (unless you count poor penmanship as a handicap) paces with a crudely constructed cardboard sign in hand. I call him "Old Guy."

I never give money to any of them. And I can't believe anyone would. But the amazing part is that people actually do. I watch each day as people roll down their windows, toss out change or offer a cigarette. Obviously the panhandling pays off or they wouldn't be there every day -- rain, sleet or snow. I often wonder just how much it pays off. Luckily the traffic light is long enough to do some rough calculations.

This traffic light cycles approximately every two-and-a-half minutes. That's 25 times per hour. When I see people handing out money, it's often change, but there's paper money too. I don't think it's unreasonable to think that these guys can average fifty cents to a dollar per cycle. That's almost $20 an hour. And no taxes. Beats working for minimum wage.

I remember seeing a local TV news story once where they followed panhandlers after they finished working their corner. They walked a few blocks, got into their car and drove away. Some of them had pretty nice cars and were followed to their homes in nice neighborhoods. I try not to be that cynical. Some of these individuals do need help. And they really aren't harming anyone. It's just an annoyance. But, again, they're not the last ones benefiting from the Baltimore's traffic patterns.

This morning I was surprised to see this same corner occupied by a new kind of recalcitrant: a politician.

During the morning rush hour, a middle-aged guy in a dress shirt and a tie stood on the corner and waved to commuters. He was campaigning for District Attorney. His shirt sleeves were casually rolled up and he was holding a large sign bearing his name. The sign was very large. He may as well have been wearing a sandwich board.

People paid him no attention. No honks of support. No friendly cheers. No one rolling down their windows to ask about his plan to stop panhandlers or catch the light pole thieves.

Meanwhile, I can't help but wonder what happened to "Stinky." How did Mr. Polyester get to take over the corner? Did he show up really early? Did he submit an application for a city permit to reserve that corner a week in advance? Or did he simply pay "Stinky" twenty bucks to go away?

It was a nice change to see someone a bit less scary standing next to my car this morning as I waited for the light to change. I was, however, just as reticent to make any eye contact with the guy. I wonder how much of an impact that campaign stunt actually had. It probably would have been more productive as a campaign fundraiser. Heck, he already had the cardboard sign. All he's missing is a good limp.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Don't Play with Your Art

Have you been to the Smithsonian and seen some of your old toys behind glass? There's even a National Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, New York where you can vote for your favorites.

Well, here are some guys that really do get their toys put on exhibit. I guess my parents spent too much time encouraging me to get a real job. Meanwhile, look what these artists can do.

Check it out, Mom, I'm making a living with:

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Fly West, Young Man

I recently flew Midwest Connect (operated by Sky West Airlines). Looking at the airline listings in the terminal, I realized it would be very easy to get mixed up as to which "western" airline you're on. I mean, look at all these airlines with similar names:

America West
Midwest
Northwest
Sky West
Southwest
Transwest

It's really confusing. Is the west really that appealing? Doesn't anyone travel east? I mean, you have to travel east eventually, right?

In fact, there is not a single airline servicing North America that uses the word "east" in its name. There used to be Eastern Airlines, but they went defunct around the time Punky Brewster got cancelled.

Imagine what would happen if some of these airlines merge and become something like "North-Southwest Airlines" or "Midsky West Airways." I'm waiting for North by Northwest Airlines: each flight would cruise approximately 50 feet above Cary Grant's head.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Drew Barry-no-more

We have a subscription to Netflix. And it is the greatest thing ever. If you're not familiar with Netflix, perhaps I could interest you in a flight on a hydrogen-filled dirigible.

As I was saying, Netflix is awesome. But managing that queue of movies takes some skill. For example, I try to be sure that at all times we have at least one film both my wife and I can enjoy, plus one so-called "chick flick." This means a movie starring Drew Barrymore and one of the Wilson brothers. For every "Crash" we need a "Home Fries."

Given the way Netflix works, these fluff movies eat up valuable real estate on the queue. Real estate that's so valuable, I'd even consider having a separate DVD subscription service just for my wife's movies. I'd call it: Chickflix, of course.

A service like Chickflix would hopefully offer more than just your traditional mail-order DVD rental service. I'm thinking I could go online and schedule delivery of my wife's movies for the nights that I'm working late. Perhaps the movie could come delivered in a decorative envelope including chocolates and recipes for quick, quality home-cooked meals. Maybe even a personalized card from me could be included saying "Thank you for being so wonderful." Now that would be worth $19.95/month.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Just What Wolfgang had in Mind

In 1788, when Mozart composed his Symphony No. 40 in G Minor, he wrote for the orchestral instruments he knew: violins, violas, celli, double basses, flutes, oboes, bassoons and horns.

Discussion continues about whether or not the additonal clarinet parts should be included in contemporary performances of the work. Clarinet parts do exist for this symphony, but their origins are somewhat suspect. You see, Mozart didn't have access to modern clarinets. He wrote for either the basset horn or early other ancestors of the "licorice stick" we know today. And he wasn't particularly fond of the way they sounded.

One thing Mozart certainly didn't have in his musical arsenal was a pair of rollerblades. If he had, Wolfie surely would have thought to utilize his empty wine bottles (of which there would have been many) and create the perfect instrumentation for his music. This combination of roller blades, wine bottles and asphalt is undoubtedly the truest realization of Mozart's music. However, 53rd Street in New York aint exactly Kartnerstrasse in Vienna, if you know what I mean.


Monday, August 14, 2006

Who Still Uses Audiotapes?

From Malcolm Gladwell's The Tipping Point:

[I]f there can be epidemics of crime or epidemics of fashion, there must be all kinds of things just as contagious as viruses. Have you ever thought of yawning, for instance? Yawning is a surprisingly powerful act. Just because you read the word "yawning" in the previous two sentences -- and the additional "yawns" in this sentence -- a good number of you will probably yawn within the next few minutes. Even as I'm writing this, I've yawned twice. If you're reading this in a public place, and you've just yawned, chances are that a good proportion of everyone who saw you yawn is now yawning too, and a good proportion of the people watching the people who watched you yawn are now yawning as well, and on and on, in and ever-widening, yawning circle.

Yawning is incredibly contagious. I made some you reading this yawn simply by writing the word "yawn." The people who yawned when they saw you yawn, meanwhile, were infected by the sight of you yawning -- which is a second kind of contagion. They might even have yawned if they only heard you yawn, because yawning is also aurally contagious: if you play an audiotape of a yawn to blind people, they'll yawn too. And finally, if you yawned as you read this, did the thought cross your mind -- however unconsciously and fleetingly -- that you might be tired? I suspect that for some of you it did, which means that yawns can also be emotionally contagious. Simply by writing the word, I can plant a feeling in your mind.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Lap It Up

I was at the pool this week, swimming in the lap lane. During a pause between lengths, an older gentleman approached me from the top ledge of the pool. He was in his 70s, carrying a large duffel bag and wearing a full polyester warm-up suit. Keep in mind, the temperature outside was roughly equivalent to the equatorial temperature on Mercury and he's wearing long pants and a jacket.

"Can I get in this lane, too?" he asked me.

"Sure. I think I'm done anyway," I said.

Sharing a lane with other swimmers, especially elderly ones, is not something that interests me. So I slid out of the lap lane, and rested along the edge of the pool. I then watched as this impressive specimen prepared for his leisurely swim in the neighborhood spa.

First, he stripped off his jacket. He wasn't wearing a shirt underneath -- big surprise. His torso was overly tan and covered in coarse white hair. Then he took off his pants revealing a knee-length, skin-tight Speedo. Unsightly bulges of extra skin squeezed out from the edges of the tight spandex.

This guy looked serious about his swimming -- certainly a force to be reckoned with. Then he reached into his large duffel bag and pulled out a large pair of goggles.

"Interesting idea," I thought to myself as my eyes burned from the blinding concentration of chlorine in the pool. Maybe I should get a pair of those (the goggles, not the Speedo).

Next, he reached back into his bag and pulled out a latex swimming cap. Okay, he doesn't have much hair, but I guess he wants to protect what little he has left. Or maybe he wanted to protect his head from the blazing sun. Whatever the reason, it didn't seem too unusual. A bit effeminate, but nothing to dwell on.

Then came the nose clips. They were stored in their very own buoyant protective case. I haven't seen a pair of nose clips since I was six years old when a friend of mine used to wear them in the pool along with his bright-orange inflatable arm floaters. I didn't think adults were permitted to wear nose clips outside of organized synchronized swimming competitions. Never-the-less, he removed the clips from of their case, snorted a few times and snapped them on. Even with the clips on his nose, you could still see long straggly hairs protruding from his pinched-off nostrils.

But he wasn't finished. He went back into the bag and pulled out the next surprise. A big blue pair of flippers. Yes, flippers. He sat down on the chaise and slipped each flipper onto his foot. FWOP! FWOP! He stood up from the chair, waddled back to his bag and reached in again.

Already sporting a knee-length Speedo, goggles, a swim cap, nose clips and big blue flippers, he finally revealed the last piece of equipment. Webbed gloves. No, not mittens. Webbed gloves. They looked like batting gloves with large pieces of material spanning each digit. He tightened the straps of each glove, slapped his hands together a couple times and began to make large circles with his arms.

Now, fully equipped and stretched, this part-man-part-amphibian waddled his way to the edge of the pool and jumped in, much like a Navy Seal would from the skid of a helicopter hovering 30 meters above a rough sea. Safe from the threat of enemy fire, he then slowly began swimming laps.

Why on earth does a grown man need flippers and webbed gloves to swim laps in the neighborhood pool? The pool is probably only 15 meters in length -- not exactly Olympic-sized. Isn't this cheating? I can often take a few strokes and glide to the other end of the pool. But this guy looks like he's ready to traverse the English Channel. Why did he stop at the flippers and webbed gloves? Why not a kickboard and a snorkel? Perhaps a small inflatable dinghy with a gas-powered motor? At some point, you may as well just get out of the water and walk your laps on the pool deck.

The guy probably swam about 30 laps in 10 minutes and hopped out of the water. He took off the gloves and flippers. Then the goggles, nose-clip and swimming cap. Luckily, the Speedo stayed on. After a quick toweling off, he slipped the heavy polyester warm-up suit back on, grabbed his duffel bag and left.

As I prepared to resume my laps, I wondered if I had really just seen that. Or was it a hallucination brought on by the chlorine fumes? Either way, I was glad I got out of his lane.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Whoa, Dude...

Okay, if you haven't seen this amazing optical illusion, check it out. This is really cool.

If you happen to be in a small room, or are too lazy to get up from your seat, try removing your glasses or corrective lenses. For those of you with 20/20 vision, just squint.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Don't Look a Bobblehead in the Mouth

Appended July 27, 2006

On Wednesday, the Phillies are giving away "free to all fans" a Ryan Howard Bobble Figurine. (One would assume that said fans would need to purchase a ticket to Wednesday's game to actually receive the giveaway, but this is not stated explicitly.)

I found it interesting that it's referred to as a "bobble figurine" and not the more familiar "bobblehead doll." I wonder if this is a reference to Howard's defensive shortcomings. While Howard has shown future-Hall-of-Fame power in his first full season in the majors, his fielding is still coming along. The phrase, "hands of stone" comes to mind. But he hits a lot of homeruns, so its easily forgivable.

Never-the-less, this figurine, as seen pictured (right) clearly has a bobbling head. But on this week's Sunday Night Baseball on ESPN, Joe Morgan commented over and over again how steady Howard keeps his head while hitting. So, his lack of a bobbling head actually contributes to his power at the plate.

Maybe a bobblehands doll would be more appropriate after all.

UPDATE: July 27, 2006
It turns out these bobble figurines were pretty popular. Last night's game set a single-game attendance record at Citizens Bank Park. Either that or a lot of scouts were there to see John Leiber and David Delucci with the non-waiver trade deadline looming. Howard went 0 for 2 with a strikeout.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

What's in a Brand Name?

Some brand names have become synonymous with the products they produce. For instance, people will ask for a "Kleenex" rather than a tissue, a "Band-Aid" rather than a bandage or "Scotch Tape" rather than cellophane one-sided sticky tape. Some huge brand names are so strong they immediately bring an association to mind. Nike=Shoes. Mercedes=Cars.

But what if some of those brand-name companies made something else entirely? Would these companies have been as successful? Something to ponder. Submit your own in the comments area if you wish. Or just comment on how stupid this whole concept is...

Mr. Clean: Prophylactics
Nokia: Locksmith
Tide: Feminine Hygiene Products
Ivory: Toothpaste
Microsoft: Baby Diapers
Hush Puppies: Dog food
Starbucks: Hollywood Talent Agency
PanAm: Non-stick cooking Spray
Huggies: Special Olympics
Disney: Anti-motion sickness medication
Buster Browns: Police Profiling Training Videos
Gap: Orthodontics
Gucci: Baby clothes
Armani: Prosthetics

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

How to Write a 10-Page Newspaper

Yesterday, The New York Times announced that they'd be reducing the size of their paper to cut costs. Such an announcement naturally brings out spoofs of The New York Times slogan, "All the News That's Fit to Print." Are they really going to change their mantra to "All the News That Fits?" It doesn't sound like it.

According to the report, "the newspaper plans to add pages to make up for about half of that loss." It appears to me that the Times is simply employing the same trick that most of us tried in high school: how to make the same amount of words fill more pages. Increasing the size of the margins was one of my favorites. But I never thought about trimming down the paper size. That's pretty brilliant. I recall a ten-page paper I wrote in ninth grade on The Scarlet Letter that was conspicuously triple-spaced with 2.75-inch margins. I wonder if my teacher would have noticed if the paper it was written on was also a half-inch smaller than all the other papers in the pile.

Just wait until the Times discovers Bookman Old Style 14.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

It's Good to Be a Monkey

This is a great time to be alive — if you are a monkey living with AIDS, Ebola, cancer, impotency, macular degeneration, toenail fungus or a common cold. Scientists seem to continue to come up with miracle cures for all of the ailments known to man. But only for monekys. You see, they do all this testing on monkeys which is supposed to help them develop a cure for humans, too. Only these cures rarely seem to translate to us! Therefore, monkeys really will rule the earth like in Planet of the Apes. While we're all dying from various epidemics, all these monkeys will be running around, fully innoculated against every pathogen, virus and disease — not to mention they'll all have lots of hair and fungus-free toenails.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Dodger Boo

For several months, I had a planned business trip to Los Angeles. It wasn't until a couple days before my departure this week that I realized my hometown team, the Philadelphia Phillies, would be at Dodger Stadium that same week. With an itinerary already chocked full of meetings morning, noon and night, it was obvious I was not going to have the leisure time to see a game. But I resolved that if I finished my business early enough, I'd make the short cab ride to catch at least a couple innings.

So on Thursday evening, I finished up my final meeting of the trip around 8:30pm. A phone call from my brother advised me that with the Phils facing a 7-0 deficit after five innings, a trip to the stadium was probably not worth the effort. Well, I'm 3,000 miles from home, I've just worked hard for two days without rest and I'm jet-lagged. I was making the trip over to the park no matter what the score.

I hopped in a cab. "Dodger Stadium, please," I told the driver.

"Dodger Stadium?" he asked in a thick Russian accent.

"Yes, Dodger Stadium."

"You mean baseball game, no? Dodger Stadium?"

"Yes. Baseball game. Thank you."

It was about a ten minute ride to the park. The driver conveniently left me at the ticket office located just beyond the left field wall. Except with the game entering the 6th inning those booths were all closed. So I headed to the gate. A large family was walking in through the turnstiles. I tried to blend in and push my way through, but the security guard grabbed me. I guess blending in with a Latino family is not as easy for me as I thought. I was instructed to go to the upper box office to buy a ticket. "They will still be open," he promised, as he directed me to a flight of steps.

The thing about Dodger Stadium is that it's built into the side of a mountain. So if you enter from the outfield side of the stadium, you walk in at field level. But as you walk around the outside of the stadium, you're actually climbing approximately 4,297 concrete steps to the top of the ballpark. At the top of the steps was the box office. It's probably the only baseball stadium in the world where an entrance is located above the top row of the upper deck.

By the time I climbed to the top, it was now the seventh inning. The Phils were still down 7-0. I breathlessly asked the teller for a ticket and some oxygen. Sweaty and still wearing a blue blazer and slacks from my meetings, I must have looked like a young Willy Loman who had just climbed approximately 4, 297 steps. The gentleman behind the thick glass window explained that he was no longer selling tickets for tonight's game. The security guard, he said, would have to agree to let me in and could call an ambulance if needed. So I gathered myself and went to work convincing the security guard that I had to get into the park to assist my handicapped 98-year-old step-uncle. He waved me in.

Walking in through the gate, I found myself standing above the top row of the upper deck behind home plate. It's quite a view. And an unusual place to enter a ballpark. The seventh inning stretch had just ended. The Phils were still down 7-0. I walked down several rows and grabbed a seat.

I would have tried moving into seats lower down, but the stadium is cleverly designed. Unless you like to scale down fences or can survive a 50-foot drop onto concrete, there's no way down from that top deck. So I sat back, enjoyed the cool evening breeze blowing through the ravine, and waited for a big late-inning rally from my boys in red.

I felt surprisingly at home in Dodger Stadium. It's a beautiful park in a remarkable setting. And the fans are amazing. Dodger fans are my kind of people.

Philly fans are always derided as being the meanest fans outside professional wrestling arenas. And there's some truth to it. Philly fans will boo a small child who drops a foul ball. They will boo a pitcher who hits only 99mph on the radar gun. And, yes, they booed Santa Claus. It's true, even though he deserved it.

Dodger fans, in my opinion, are equally nasty. With the Dodgers still ahead by seven runs heading to the bottom of the 8th, the stadium began to ring out with the chants of, "Phillies suck!" In most places, this would be considered gloating. A group of Philly fans sitting down the first baseline became the focus of some ugly not-so-family-friendly slurs as well.

Now, Dodger fans also have the reputation of leaving games after the 7th inning. So I wondered why the stadium was still nearly full after eight full innings. That's when the crowd shifted from verbally bullying a 6-year-old in a Phillies cap to chanting for Eric Gagne.

Gagne, the Dodger's star closer, had just been reactivated after being on the DL for nearly a year and a half. The fans wanted to see him in the game. "We want Gagne! We want Gagne!" they chanted. But with a seven-run lead, it seemed unlikely the Dodgers would bring him in.

In the ninth, the Phils actually put together a small rally scoring two quick runs. Now with the lead cut to five and two runners on-base, number 38 jumped up in the bullpen and started to throw. The crowd went wild. Chants of "Gagne, Gagne!" grew deafening. These folks had stuck around to see their man pitch, and now he was prepping himself for some game time.

If another run scored, the tieing run would move into the on-deck circle. It would be a save situation and a likely opportunity to bring in Gagne. Abraham Nunez, the Phillies pinch hitter came to the plate with two on and one out. He hit a tailor-made double play grounder to shortstop. But the relay throw got past the firstbaseman keeping the game alive. E-4. The crowd went wild. They cheered an error made by one of their own players! After all, the game was still going and there might still be a chance to see Gagne.

Jimmy Rollins, the Phils' shortstop then came to bat. In typical fashion, he swung at the first pitch and popped it weakly to first base. The fans yelled at the firstbaseman to drop the ball. He didn't. He made the catch. The game was over. The fans all booed. Their team just won 7-2 and they booed. Those are my kind of fans.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Dr. 90210 Heroic

(AP) An elderly man on an American Airlines flight was restrained by passengers, including television's "Dr. 90210," after he got out of his seat and bristled at a flight attendant late Monday, officials said.

The jetliner landed safely in Los Angeles and police took the 104-year-old one-legged man with halitosis, who did not speak English, to a hospital for mental observation, an airport spokeswoman said.

"He evidently started to panic about 15 minutes before landing, when everyone is supposed to be buckled into seats," the spokeswoman said. "He was apparently unhappy with the temperature of his soup served during the inflight meal," she continued.

The man hopped out of his seat in coach and marched into first class. He was undeterred by the curtain separating the elite from the general population.

Dr. Robert Rey, a plastic surgeon who practices martial arts, told The Associated Press he got out of his seat and intervened when he heard the man make a "big noise" as he pushed a female flight attendant away from the cookie tray and tried to grab a handful of free snacks.

"When you get a black belt, at that stage your brain just clicks into action," the doctor said. "I restrained this gentleman in a very aggressive way without hurting him. Afterall, he was a very, very dangerous centenarian." Rey believed he did the right thing, but now is concerned that he will "not be allowed to board future flights carrying these deadly weapons," he said, referring to his right and left fists.

During the struggle with the unruly passenger, Rey used the palm of his hand to break the man's nose. He then reset the nose, performed a quick rhinoplasty, breast augmentation and brow lift on the man before the plane landed.

Another passenger helped as the man kicked and screamed, Rey said. That other passenger described the man's "kicking and screaming" more like "the pathetic wriglings of a 104-year-old invalid with bad breath."

Flight crew members described the man as "very frail" and "not deserving of such an ass whooping from a Beverly Hills bully."

The flight attendant "was shook up but not hurt," Rey said. To be sure, Rey asked the flight attendant to undress so that he could take Polaroid photos of her in front of a blue wall. The flight attendant is scheduled for liposuction and tummy tuck next week.

None of the five crew members or 122 passengers aboard the MD-80 plane from Austin, Texas, reported injuries -- well, except for the old guy who got his butt kicked. The elderly man received a bill for his plastic surgery totalling almost $11,000 from Rey's office.

Rey, who stars on the E! Network reality show "Dr. 90210" about a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, was returning home after taping a cameo segment for John Basedow's latest "Fitness Made Simple" workout video.

"Let this be a lesson to anyone who thinks about coming through that first class curtain again," Rey said.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Cynic's Corner: The Da Vinci Code

The Cynic's Corner provides helpful and informative movie reviews without ever seeing the film. Motion pictures are rated on the following scale:

* = Not even worth reading this review
** = Stay home and wait until it's on video.
*** = Stay home and wait until it's on TNT for the tenth time
**** = Boycott the film and march in protest around the multiplex

The Da Vinci Code
***1/2

The books on my shelves display as badges of honor. After completing a good book, I will proudly slide it into place between titles likeThe Wealth and Poverty of Nations, Visions of Gerard or The Complete Stories of Kafka where it will reside in testament to my superior taste and knowledge. In the case of Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, after reading it I shamefully hid the book beneath a stack of dirty magazines.

I, like many, read Brown's bestseller in a three-hour period between reruns of The Daily Show. I had been battered about the face by a copy of the book, being told that it was the greatest novel since The Klone and I and that I was an idiot for not reading it. To this day, I don't see what the big deal is. The terrible way in which the book is written leaves one wondering was an editor at all involved? I think the poor syntax and sloppy grammar was probably Brown's best defense in the plagiarism case.

One thing is clear. When you read this book you can tell it would make a great movie. Probably a very long movie, but a good one none-the-less. And the fact that is has stirred up so much controversy, and gotten the evangelicals all huffy, just adds to the intrigue.

Back in October, I called for my own boycott of SONY Pictures after their production of films based on the Left Behind series of books. (Talk about books with a cult following.) Now the Vatican is is calling for their own boycott of SONY Pictures' The Da Vinci Code. Man, I love capitalism. If anyone should be boycotting this film, it should be art historians. The liberties taken with odd interpretations of great masterpieces is far more offensive than any marginally blasphemed messianic figure. I'd just love to see a hoard of museum curators berating ticket buyers at the box office.

The movie is worth seeing, not only for the rush of crossing a picket line, but for the thrill and mystery of a gripping story. Plus, it's worth checking out to see just what exactly is up with Tom Hanks' hair.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Digital Conquers All

I believe some of the most interesting and spontaneous photographs have happened at the end of a roll. Those last few frames you thought you were burning off, sometimes yielded surprising results. But that end-of-the-roll whimsy is now obsolete in the digital-camera age. Then again, with virtually no limit on the number of digital photographs you can take, a carefree impulsiveness to snap a picture of anything and everything is probably more pervasive than it should be.

Stanley Kubrik’s 2001: A Space Odyssey is still one of my favorite movies. And the fact that all of the special effects in this science fiction film are entirely mechanical, makes it that much more special. I’d say that most of the visual effects in that film are still superior to the over-modulated, eye-candy digital CGI effects used in films today.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not preaching analog here. I’m not one of those freaks that collects LPs or feels more creative in front of a typewriter. Quite the contrary. I love technology. However, I know that with all the benefits of our binary wireless high-speed broadband satellite era, there are sacrifices. I like to know what I’m giving up and how I can salvage some of that experience while reaping the benefits of the latest-and-greatest.

For example, I used to enjoy listening to AM radio on long road trips. Driving through small rural towns, local AM radio was how I could get a fleeting sense of the local aura at 75mph. But those days are probably gone now. For my birthday, the parental units were kind enough to give me an XM Satellite Radio receiver.

I’ve been using it for nearly two weeks now and am thoroughly hooked. 
Satellite radio allows you to listen to the same radio stations, commercial-free, coast to coast. So when you’re driving through Salina, Kansas and all you can find is one crackly Bluegrass channel, you can turn on your satellite radio and tune in a crystal-clear, interstellar Bluegrass channel of your choosing.

The unit I have is Delphi’s RoadyXT which is a lightweight faceplate the size of a credit card and a half-inch thick. It attaches to a base unit for the home and another for the car. While it requires a special antenna and a power source (wall outlet or cigarette lighter) it can play through any FM radio wirelessly. It’s the same concept behind Apple’s iTrip or, as I more fondly remember, “Mr. Mic.”

The broadcasts are all-digital and have an amazing clarity and range of sound. Even playing through my atrocious car stereo, the sound is impressive. Meanwhile, the faceplate displays the current artist and song playing -- a convenient distraction while driving. And living in an area where I can pick up radio stations in two major media markets but in six years haven’t found a single decent broadcaster worth programming into my presets, the selection of music choices on XM is a welcomed joy.

XM Satellite Radio offers a staggering number of channels. But much like cable television, only a small fraction of those offerings are of interest. Once you’ve weeded through and found what you’re looking for, it’s pretty addictive. However, my big gripe with XM is that they’ve gotten too cutesy by giving many of the channels names that have no relevance to the content. Names like “The Blend,” “The Mix,” “Big Tracks,” “Deep Tracks,” “Fred,” “Lucy” and “Ethel” aren’t nearly as helpful as, say, “Lite Pop,” “Alternative,” “Modern,” “Acoustic” and “Classic Rock.” When there are 200 channels to chose from and memorize, a little more specificity would be appreciated.

It took me a week to learn that “Lucy” is actually worthy of low-number preset status. It’s mix of artists like U2, David Bowie, Talking Heads, Violent Femmes and Elvis Costello is eclectic without being esoteric. And they play mostly lesser-known tracks from their albums, rather than just hits like “One” or “Pump It Up.” Too bad they have to throw in Dave Matthews or Counting Crows from time to time. Still, the variety of music played is far greater than anything you hear over the airwaves. Plus, during their station IDs, I really enjoy the little messages they scroll across the display like, “You were never cool in high school,” or “People like you made Jim Belushi famous.” 


Knowing me, you’d guess that I’ve also spent a good deal of time listening to XM Classics, their appropriately-monikered Classical music channel. It’s great to hear a Classical station playing large-scale symphonies and lesser-known contemporary works that the wallpaper public radio stations never go near. However, XM Classic’s programming does venture into the very obscure, even for this aficionado. I have very far-ranging knowledge and esoteric tastes. But I can do without the lowly works of Johann Wilhelm Wilms, Hugo Alfven, Karl Ditters von Dittersdorf or Alan Hovhannes, thank you. Sometimes, it’s okay to just play Beethoven. Heck, I’d even settle for Bruckner. 


XM Satellite Radio also offers “XM Public Radio” which carries some interesting programs. But last night it sounded like they were broadcasting hearings on traffic improvements somewhere in Boston. (?!) This is the one place where Sirius (XM’s competitor) has the edge in that they carry all of NPR’s programming. Which is why in morning drive time, I’m often switching off the XM and turning on the local NPR on FM. Sorry, but Bob Edwards (formerly of NPR, now on XM every morning) just isn’t cutting it for me. I need my “Morning Edition.”

I'm also excited about the large number of Spanish language stations. So many foreigners say they learned English by listening to American music or watching American TV. So I'm hoping that by listening to "Aguila," "Viva" or "Deportivo" on a daily basis will have me conversant in no time. "Radio des satélites es muy bueno!"

Saving the best for last, the greatest thing about satellite radio is that it carries every Major League Baseball game every day. This is probably the main reason it was seen as great gift for me. And that’s correct. Being a fan of an out-of-town team, I’ve been known to drive around in my car listening to fuzzy AM stations just to catch the end of a game. Now, I can listen clearly to all the games while driving around aimlessly. The little display even posts the current score, inning and number of outs.

Because of the limited number of channels they devote to MLB, they only carry the home team broadcast. It’s a small drawback. Listening to the away games, you hear the other team’s announcers in every city spouting off the same stupid facts from the media guide. But getting to hear the local commercials from Denver or Los Angeles has a surprising entertainment value. 


So, thanks mom and dad. XM Satellite Radio is definitely cool. I probably won’t miss listening to AM radio anymore. But maybe I’ll write XM a letter with a suggestion for a new radio station – “AM Across America.” Every five minutes the content would crackle from polka, to Christian talk, to Pat Boone. Now that would be worth the subscription.

Friday, April 14, 2006

How Much Dumber Can I Get?

I fondly remember being intoxicating by the flicker of a 13-inch black-and-white television I had in my room as a child. With bunny ears perched precariously on top of the TV, I could only switch between the seven different channels by getting up from my cushy bean bag chair to spin the dials. The channels were 3, 6, 10, 12, 17, 29 and 57. Today, those sound more like Powerball numbers.

Now, I sit at home on my couch with my remote control -- although I do miss that bean bag chair -- partaking of not just 80+ television stations, but as much other media as I can absorb simultaneously. It's something I like to call "multivegging."

What exactly is multivegging? Well, I'm doing it right now.

  • The television is tuned to "Deal or No Deal." The sound is muted as this is a game show that requires no audio. Judging by tonight's contestant, apparently it doesn't require a fifth-grade math education, either.
  • The XM Radio is on, tuned to an out-of-town baseball game. This also has a small screen on it displaying the current score, inning and number of outs.
  • My laptop is open and online and there are no less than five tabs open in my browser.

    1. An online poker game I switch to every time the alert tells my it's my turn to act. I'm raising on a heart flush draw right now.
    2. A live box score from one other baseball game I'm currently tracking. I know, it's too early to scoreboard watch.
    3. An eBay auction item I've been monitoring for a week that ends in just three -- wait, two -- minutes. Crap, outbid again!
    4. An online crossword puzzle I fill in as a diversion -- a sorbet of the senses, if you will. Hey, what's a four-letter word for "bread spread?"
    5. And of course, this blog I'm currently typing. Does that explain all the typos?

  • Oh, did I mention there's an issue of Chesapeake Home next to me, opened to an article on maintaining your hardwood floors? This is notable, of course, because I neither own a "Chesapeake Home" nor have any hardwood floors in my current home. In fact, the magazine subscription isn't even mine. It just arrives every month in my mailbox, addressed to the previous resident who has been deceased for no less than ten years.


I digress.

I know, you're probably wondering, "How is 'multivegging' different from 'multitasking?' "

"Multitasking" implies that you're actually doing something -- a task. I do this at work all the time. While I'm on the phone, I'll finish up an e-mail or file away important papers in the shredder. I'm able to fully accomplish two things at once. Talk about efficiency! Conversely, "multivegging" is about doing lots of nothing all at once. Right now, I'm processing as much useless, unavailing, time-wasting information as possible. After a long day of multitasking at work, it takes more than just one or two or three diversions for me to unwind. I need a circus of distractions to liquify my brain.

My wife, meanwhile, is in the other room, on the other computer, watching the other TV.

And somewhere in the house, a baby sits neglected. Hey, where is that kid anyway?

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Coast to Coast

FROM TODAY'S LA TIMES

No-show bug must be going around
Cancellations are part of life for the L.A. Phil and other groups, but this year it's epidemic.

By Scott Timberg
Times Staff Writer

April 4, 2006

It seemed like a perfect — and perfectly balanced — week for the piano, the musical equivalent of Apollo and Dionysus appearing at the same party. On March 15, the stately, golden-toned Murray Perahia was to perform a recital at Walt Disney Concert Hall. The following night, the romantic, impetuous Martha Argerich would lead the Los Angeles Philharmonic in Beethoven's First Piano Concerto.

Neither event, as it turned out, would come to pass.

Both Perahia and Argerich canceled — Perahia with hand trouble, Argerich after a gallbladder operation — joining a striking number of concert and opera musicians this season who have been too sick to perform.

"They come in waves," says Deborah Borda, the Philharmonic's president. "We've been lucky for the last four or five years. But it's been a tidal wave."

In fact, at the end of last week the orchestra announced the 10th cancellation of its season: Hélène Grimaud, a young French pianist, was to play Rachmaninoff this Thursday and Sunday but canceled because of the aftereffects of pneumonia. (André Watts will appear in her stead.) Those shows were to bookend a Randy Newman concert Saturday night at Disney Hall. But that was postponed until November because Newman broke his wrist.

The Philharmonic is hardly alone. James Levine, the popular conductor of the Boston Symphony Orchestra and the Metropolitan Opera, canceled the remainder of his season with the Met, as well as concerts and a tour with the BSO, after an onstage fall and ensuing shoulder surgery. Seiji Ozawa of the Vienna State Opera dropped out of concerts because of shingles. Mezzo-soprano Lorraine Hunt Lieberson has failed to meet several commitments over the last year — including the San Francisco Opera premiere performances of John Adams' new opera, "Doctor Atomic" — because of a lower back injury. Plácido Domingo canceled several Met performances in February, as well as appearances elsewhere as "Parsifal," because of an inflamed windpipe. And so on.

So how are the Philharmonic and other organizations coping with this slew of no-shows?

"You have to stop doing everything that you're doing — immediately," says Chad Smith, who became the Philharmonic's vice president of artistic planning in January right as the trouble began. "You have to make sure Thursday night's concert happens" — and is up to the standards the audience, conductor and players are accustomed to.

"I think when you panic you usually make the wrong decision," says Laurence Tucker, director of artistic planning at the Seattle Symphony. "If it was easy, they wouldn't need me."

For the producing organization, a cancellation means not only the rapid issuing of a news release and the dispatching of hundreds of apologetic postcards. It also means scrambling to find a replacement. That can entail not only bundling a budding diva, say, onto a red-eye, but also searching for available hotel space.

Some administrators try to look on the bright side.

"Because we plan two and three years in advance," says Jeremy Rothman, artistic administrator at the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra, "it's an opportunity to do something current: 'This person has just been discovered.' " But, he adds, "No one looks forward to it." This year, he has had to deal with gaps in the Baltimore schedule created after his artistic director, Yuri Temirkanov, decided to take four weeks off after the death of a close friend.

Though early 2006 has seen a remarkable number of cancellations, this is by no means the first time there's been a rash of ailing musicians. Borda recalls a period in the early '90s when the New York Philharmonic, which she then headed, saw so much ill health among visiting musicians that "even the replacement would cancel."

She grew accustomed to coming onstage to break bad news. "I was on the stage so much it became humorous," she says. "When I walked out, people would groan." Before a New Year's Eve gala for which guests had paid as much as $250 to see Olga Borodina, the news of the diva's cancellation came so suddenly — Borda was getting dressed for the event — that she had to tap her dinner date, Marilyn Horne, to sing with about an hour's notice.

Some administrators make a joke of it: Rudolf Bing, the longtime Metropolitan Opera general manager, once announced a cancellation wearing a Viking helmet and toting a shield, as if to repel the audience's fury.

Much of the time, locating a substitute is not particularly hard. For conductors — both an orchestra's permanent leader and guests — organizations typically have backups ready. They also hire "cover" artists for difficult vocal pieces and for contemporary works not likely to be known by a large number of musicians.

But sometimes a substitution can be tricky. In February, the young British composer Thomas Adès was preparing to conduct a suite of music from his new opera based on Shakespeare's "The Tempest" at Disney Hall. Two days before rehearsals were set to begin, the Philharmonic heard that soprano Kate Royal was canceling because of illness.

"There are exactly four sopranos on the planet who have sung that music," Smith says. "I know Tom's music well, so I knew who these sopranos were."

But one of them couldn't get out of a performance in London, and another was tied up in Seattle. The third potential replacement was in Denmark and available but was expected to have visa problems. "On that one," Smith says, "I actually sweated."

It was only when he remembered that Santa Fe Opera is scheduled to perform the work this summer that he realized another singer, somewhere, might have started learning the music. Patricia Risley, slated to sing the work in July and August, was performing in Minnesota but flew in to replace Royal.

The pressure comes partly because orchestras try to keep the program unchanged after a cancellation. Audiences, after all, are as likely to purchase tickets for the repertoire as for the performers.

Otherwise, Rothman says, "it'd be like going to a movie and have them change the film on you because a reel's broken. The music is what's survived for so many years. That's what comes first when we have to make a change."

Opera, in general, is less vulnerable to cancellations because productions tend to emphasize the ensemble. But things can still go wrong. Christopher Koelsch, director of artistic planning at Los Angeles Opera, recalls 2000's rehearsals for "Peter Grimes," during which Philip Langridge, a celebrated Grimes, was poised between sickness and health. He could probably make opening night — but only if the company would allow him time to recover during the dress rehearsal. So another tenor flew in from New York to fill in at that rehearsal, then was sent home — and Langridge opened the opera without incident.

This season, the Philharmonic's experience with Perahia and Argerich shows the range of possibilities. Perahia, who on his doctor's advice dropped out of his entire tour, was deemed irreplaceable, and the recital was simply canceled. But Argerich — whose cancellations, health-related and otherwise, are legendary — was replaced by a young fellow Argentine who had recently won the prestigious Gilmore Artist Award and was starting to build up steam. Ingrid Fliter's bittersweet interpretation of the Beethoven drew cheers from audiences and strong reviews.

The possibility of surprise or disaster, after all, is what makes attending a live performance different from putting on a record or watching a movie.

"These are the kinds of jobs where you don't know what you'll deal with when you come to work each day," Rothman says. "That's what keeps it exciting. There's always something to keep us on our toes."

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Cable's Out, Kill Me Now

The danger of having both cable TV and a cable modem is obvious. When the cable goes out, the information deprivation is downright dangerous.

After several hours of intense boredom last night (arranging all my pocket change to be heads up, alphabetizing those little cards that fall out of magazines and playing with the baby) I realized that I could watch TV if I really wanted to. I had a Netflix DVD sitting on the shelf that had been there for months. I'd put off watching Million Dollar Baby because of a friend's warning that she couldn't eat or sleep for a week after seeing the movie. But last night, in an act of true desperation, I finally gave in.

Now that I've seen it, I understand why it won all those Academy Awards. That being said, Million Dollar Baby is the worst, the worst, movie I have ever seen. What kind of sick bastard would make a movie like that? I remember watching Born on the Fourth of July, and feeling physically ill. That is story of pain and anguish. And it's a true story! What I can't believe is that someone would dream up a story like the one told in Million Dollar Baby. It's just sick. Get out the Prozac.

Like I said. I had been warned. But as I'm watching the movie, I'm thinking, "OK, there's obviously a twist coming, but how bad could it be?" I've seen Rocky IV like 17 times and I never got upset when Apollo Creed went down. (However, I'll admit to being mildly upset with Mr. T for years after watching him beat down Burgess Meredith in Rocky III.) But none of that prepared me for the shocker in Million Dollar Baby. Maybe it's because I'd been television and Internet deprived for several hours so the moving pictures had that much more impact. But as the credits rolled, I just wanted to kill myself. Or better yet, have someone sneak into my room and do it for me.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

I Still Hate Cell Phones

I've ranted before on why I hate cell phones. But I failed to mention the most odius aspect of cellphone use: cellphones with musical ringtones.

I attended a very solemn and beautiful funeral service today for a musician who passed away after a long and courageous battle with cancer. After a moving and well-delivered eulogy, it was announced that the assembled would hear a special musical selection -- one with particular meaning to the deceased and his family. But in the moment immediately before the piano sonata could be begin, a cell phone rang out in what sounded like the opening strands of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." It would have been shameful enough for someone's cellphone to ring, beep or buzz at that moment. But to have such an infelicitous song blare throughout a memorial service was just deplorable.

I can understand in a roomful of over a hundred people, that one person can be moronic enough not to turn off their ringer altogether. I'll admit to being that moron at least once -- thankfully not during a funeral! This is why I almost always leave my own cell phone on vibrate. Even if it's in my jacket pocket, or across the room on a table, I can usually hear the vibration without anyone else even noticing. When my phone isn't on vibrate, the ring is set to a single beep. This is enough of an alert for me to either answer or silence my phone.

So why do people insist on using such irritating songs on their cell phones? You'd think the potential humiliation of a circumstance like what happened at today's funeral would be enough of a deterrent as people selected their ringtones. Do you think that this particular perpetrator went home and changed his or her cellphone ring to the "standard ring" or even something like "Just a Closer Walk with Thee?" I doubt it.

Any time a companion of mine has a cell phone that starts ringing out some ridiculous melody, I ask, "What's the point?" The answer is usually something lame like, "So I can tell my cell phone ring apart from everyone else's." I don't buy this one for a second. Like you can't tell if the ring is coming from your pocket or across the room? Please.

What I do know is that people, even though they may not admit it, very carefully select their cellphone ringtone as a personal statement of who they are. "I listened to Mozart once in college -- or maybe it was Vivaldi." "The seventh inning stretch is my favorite part of going to a hockey game." Or, "I'm a girl who just wants to have fun and I know how to program my ringtone." Hey, guess what. No one cares.

Baseball: The Ultimate Equalizer

FROM SATURDAY'S WALL STREET JOURNAL

The Replacements
With a crop of top conductors out sick, lesser-known young maestros are getting a chance at the spotlight

By JACOB HALE RUSSELL
March 25, 2006; Page P3

It's happening in Pittsburgh. It's been a problem in Boston, too. And now it's hit Baltimore: Conductors at some of the nation's top orchestras are out sick.

The orchestra world is struggling with some big headaches lately, from declining attendance to mounting deficits. But headed into the season's home stretch, there's another problem: out-of-commission conductors. Among the no-shows are James Levine at the Boston Symphony Orchestra and the Metropolitan Opera (torn rotator cuff), Seiji Ozawa of the Vienna State Opera (shingles) and the London Philharmonic Orchestra star Kurt Masur, who bowed out of this spring's major U.S. tour (heart palpitations, suspected viral infection).

"This has been fairly unusual to have this many conductors all at once having to cancel their dates," says Jeremy Rothman, artistic administrator of the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra, which recently had to find a month's worth of replacements when its star conductor went on bereavement leave. "It's like the disabled list for a baseball team."

The absences have been disappointing for fans, who've paid up to $100 to see stars like Mr. Masur and Mr. Levine. They've also been inconvenient for orchestra managers, who've been scrambling to fill the empty conductor slots on their schedules.

But this spate of sick conductors is also shaking up the classical music world in a surprising way. A group of lesser-known conductors -- many in their 20s or early 30s -- are being tapped as substitutes. That's giving these young maestros an unexpected moment in the spotlight -- and could end up reshaping orchestras in years to come.

Many orchestras are in a time of transition now, with conducting spots opening up at about 20 symphonies around the country, according to the American Symphony Orchestra League. These include some of the most-watched posts in the classical music world, including conductors at the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, the National Symphony Orchestra in Washington D.C. and soon the New York Philharmonic. Other top-tier orchestras in cities like Nashville, Dallas and Detroit are also seeking new maestros.

These searches come at a time that some in the orchestra world say is ripe for a new model of conductor; in the past few years, younger conductors -- and often Americans -- have increasingly risen to prominence in a European-dominated field. As they seek to attract a wider and younger audience base, orchestras value conductors who can connect with concertgoers, rather than remaining aloof.

Some of the biggest names in classical music history, such as Arturo Toscanini and Leonard Bernstein, were discovered when they subbed in for ailing conductors. Now a new generation of conductors is benefiting from crucial exposure at a key moment for orchestras. One of them is 26-year-old American James Gaffigan, an assistant conductor at the Cleveland Orchestra. Usually, his job responsibilities include conducting youth concerts and sitting in the wings during performances in case anything happens to the conductor.

But in January, when Franz Welser-Möst, the orchestra's music director, was bedridden with an ear infection, Mr. Gaffigan ended up leading what many consider the country's best orchestra in one of the biggest symphonic works, Beethoven's Fifth, and the world premiere of a major living composer, Marc-André Dalbavie.

"It's a weird job in that respect," Mr. Gaffigan says, "We're waiting for people to go down. You don't wish any harm on people, but some good things come out of bad things." Though Mr. Gaffigan has occasionally conducted subscription concerts for Cleveland, the Beethoven symphony is normally reserved for well-established music directors. Positive reviews paid off with other gigs, like subbing on Mozart's 250th birthday for a special concert at the Kansas City Symphony.

Mr. Gaffigan will also conduct La Bohème at the Zurich Opera in May. He became known at that opera house last summer, when he filled in for Mr. Welser-Möst, who was himself called in after the scheduled conductor, Marcello Viotti, suddenly died.

Even for somewhat more established young conductors, guest conducting can send a career forward several years, providing the chance to work with the best musicians -- and be heard by the best reviewers. When Bernard Haitink cancelled at the Berlin Philharmonic last month due to injury, the American conductor Alan Gilbert, who leads the Royal Stockholm Philharmonic Orchestra and the Santa Fe Opera, got his debut at what many consider the world's most prestigious orchestra. This led to top reviews, and some music world observers say that Mr. Gilbert, already rumored to be in the running for the top spot at the New York Philharmonic, got a big boost from his Berlin performance.

This month's big discovery might be Ludovic Morlot, a French assistant conductor in Boston. He substituted for Christoph von Dohnányi at the New York Philharmonic, earning accolades from important critics. As a result of his success there, Mr. Rothman called Mr. Morlot to Baltimore, where he again received rave reviews in a concert that included pianist Emanuel Ax.

Joseph Kluger, former president of the Philadelphia Orchestra and now a consultant on the arts at AEA Consulting, says audiences, critics and musicians often give the "benefit of the doubt" to replacements. "There's a hero-worship aspect of it," he says. "It adds an element of drama to something that could otherwise be routine."

To be sure, with orchestra seasons lasting from fall to spring -- and spanning flu season -- it's not unusual for conductors to call in sick and managers to scramble for replacements. Top conductors have packed schedules that involve jetting back and forth internationally, either with their own orchestra on tour or guest conducting, which makes the job exhausting.

But what has made March unusual is the large number of simultaneous high-profile absences at major symphonies, as well as the several-month-long absence for Mr. Levine, who is one of the world's most famous (and highly paid) conductors and heads both Boston Symphony Orchestra and the Metropolitan Opera, two of the most prominent classical-music organizations.

Artistic administrators aren't always able to find someone like Mr. Morlot waiting in the wings. When Robert Spano had to cancel a guest appearance at the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra this month, the orchestra had to call off its premiere of a composition by contemporary classical composer John Adams -- because they couldn't find someone else familiar with the complex piece. Baltimore had to nix a piece by Armenian composer Richard Yardumian for the same reason.

Conductor cancellations can cause serious problems for symphonies, as artistic directors are forced to scramble to find replacements in a game of musical chairs. "You find yourself sitting at your desk making phone calls to Europe, catching people on their cellphones, finding people in all kinds of unusual locations," says Baltimore's Mr. Rothman. "There's lots of work that you normally have 18 months lead time to figure out."

Pittsburgh and Baltimore have taken the unusual step of turning to concertmasters (the orchestra's lead violinist) to conduct some concerts -- in one case while still playing the violin. And Anne-Sophie Mutter, a top violin soloist, conducted Mozart pieces she herself was playing at Lincoln Center.

For orchestras, the stress of last-minute replacements could actually result in a modest financial gain. Conductors are paid on a per-concert basis and lose that fee when they cancel, and the replacements are usually cheaper than the stars who call in sick.

Audiences aren't usually allowed refunds for cancellations, though at most orchestras it's as much the repertoire and musicians who are the draw, and the chance to see the debut of a younger conductor can be exciting for some. But it's uncertain what impact a longer absence -- like Mr. Levine's -- could have on organizations like the Boston Symphony Orchestra and the Metropolitan Opera, which heavily depend on Mr. Levine's high profile for their financial well-being.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Nice Haircut!

My three-month-old son's newborn hair continues to fall out a few fine strands at a time. A soft downy fuzz is all that's left underneath. Hopefully, within a few months, that short fuzz will sprout into thick a head of baby hair. That will mean only one thing: baby's first haircut. He won't like it. Not one bit. I don't think any babies like getting their haircut. Which means we have something in common. I don't like getting my haircut either.

I've probably had my haircut nearly 300 times in my life. Wow, that's a lot of time sitting still in one of those vinyl chairs. I've probably had my seat cranked like seventeen miles up in the air. Despite all that experience and added height, haircuts still stress me out.

First of all, finding a barber who understands the shape of my head and is brave enough to tackle my wiry hair is the hardest part. Once I've found someone worthy of that trust, I stay pretty loyal. In fact, I've only ever had three people in my life that I've trusted with my hair. Okay, maybe it's not loyalty so much as avoidance of hassle. You see, the first time I sit in any barber's chair I have to put up with all the obnoxious comments and questions about my hair. You'd think barbers that want my business -- or at least a decent tip -- would be a bit more diplomatic. But I know that once they get it out of their system, I won't ever have to hear it again. This is why if they do a half-decent job I'll go back to them again and again.

This isn't to say that only three people have ever cut my hair. I've experimented with a few others over time. This was usually a circumstance of being away from home and in desperate need of a trim. My most unusual experience was getting my hair cut by a guy covered in tattoos and poked full of holes. This made really me nervous. I know it shouldn't have. I wasn't afraid he'd do a bad job. But if he had so few qualms about mutilating his own body, should I have trusted him with scissors?

The other thing that gets me worked up is that big silly bib. Do they have to put it on so tightly around my neck? And how many other people's hair and dandruff is all over those things? And once it's on, where am I supposed to put my hands? Do I have to leave them on the armrests and keep them visible? If I fold my hands in my lap under the bib, will people assume I'm playing with myself under there?

I hate watching my hair as it gets cut. As the barber shortens up the one side of my head first, I always wonder what would happen is the fire alarm went off at that very moment. Would I have to run out onto the street wearing that bib with my hair short on one side and long on the other? What if it's a real fire and the place is burning to the ground? (That jar full of combs soaking in alcohol would surely be an accelerant in such a blaze.) Then, would my barber finish my haircut on the street, or would I be left for days with an uneven coif?

If I'm lucky enough to make it all the way through without a fire alarm, why is it that when the barber finishes, it looks like nothing changed? Then when I get home and look in the mirror, I'm shocked by the dramatic alteration to my looks. I guess it's like watching yourself gain weight. It happens gradually enough that you don't notice it until you look at a picture of yourself from college when you were thinner (and had a better haircut).

Once I'm home from my haircut, the first thing I have to do is get in the shower. I just can't stand that itchy feeling around my neck, down my back and in my nevermind. Whoever thought that tiny little brush with a wooden handle would sweep away all the excess hair? I once went to a barber where they vacuumed the hair off! That hickey left me with some awkward explaining to do.

Of course, in that first post-haircut shower I always use way too much shampoo. Over the past month, as my hair had been growing longer and longer, I would have been gradually amplifying the amount of shampoo per shower. Now, with a shorter do, I'm left with handfuls of wasteful lather! It usually takes me a week to get back to an acceptable shampoo-hair equilibrium.

Getting out of the shower, I can never get my hair back the way I want it. I'm never totally satisfied with my haircuts. For me, the sign of a really good haircut, is one that draws the fewest comments. Because what I hate most about getting my ears lowered are the comments I must endure the next day.

"Oh, you got your haircut!"
"Hey, look, a haircut!"
"Gee, did you get your haircut?"

As if I hadn't noticed that I got my hair cut. Like I didn't sit there for 30 minutes making mindless small talk while watching the guy do it. Yes, I paid for it and everything. I even left a tip, albeit not a very good one. Hey, I was out of singles and no way I'm leaving a five spot.

But then again, if people aren't making any comments, is that because it looks terrible and they're just being polite by not saying anything?

So when my son gets into the barber's chair for the very first time and starts crying, I'll understand why.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

New Classic Tradition Breakout

Does it bother anyone else that the international baseball tournament that started this year is called the World Baseball Classic? How can it be "classic" when it is brand new? It's like when I flipped by ESPN Classic the other day and they were showing a live college basketball game. The station logo on the top corner of the screen actually said "ESPN Classic Live." Talk about a disruption in the space-time continuum. It was like watching the end of Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey -- only with more dialogue. Ironically, the game wasn't very good.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Short Circuit

There has been an electrical outlet on the fritz in my kitchen. So today, being the expert electrician I am, I decided I would pull it out of the wall to see if anything terribly obvious presented itself -- you know, loose connections, burnt wires, rodent teeth marks, etc. With the cost just to get an electrician in the door, I figured it was worth risking electrocution to save $60.

Before pulling the socket out of the wall, I remembered I needed to head to the circuit box. The circuit breakers in our house were painstaking labeled by an alcoholic dyslexic over 20 years ago. The penciled lettering has faded substantially over the years, making the illegible handwriting even more cryptic. I had started to remap the switches a few years ago so that when I flipped the switch marked "master bdrm" I would know the lights in the kitchen would go off. Of course, I subsequently lost my magic decoder leaving me to throw random switches any time I needed to turn the power off somewhere in the house.

Trying to turn the power off to a specific area is not a one-person job. You really need two people -- one to throw the switches and another to stand watch in another room and yell "wrong one!" Alas, I was on my own today, flipping switches, wandering through the house, trying to figure out what had just gone off.

After ten minutes of this futility, I finally got the right switch thrown. But not before I had managed to turn off every other circuit in the house. Every clock in the house now flashed 12:00 am. With a bit of forethought, I should have done this exercise at exactly midnight. That would have saved me so much effort. Better yet, maybe I'll wait until daylight savings starts next time . I figure I'll have to change the time on all the clocks anyway.

In case you were wondering, when I finally did pull the outlet from the wall, I found what appeared to be a perfectly normal looking outlet. But what do I know about it? At least it's easier to turn all the power back on, than it is to turn it off.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Yeah, Whatever Pittsburgh

OK, so now that the commercials are over...

...it's eight days until pitchers and catchers report. Oddly for the Orioles, only the catchers have to show up since they don't have any pitching.

[rim shot]

Thursday, February 02, 2006

A Forking Miracle!

Thomas' English Muffins reads Instant*Ethos!

The package of Thomas' English Muffins my wife brought home from the store today was emblazoned with the phrase:

"Improved Fork-Split!"

Can you believe it? They actually responding to my blog!

The instructions on the reverse of the packaging was the same (except for one corrected punctuation error). And after attempting to enjoy my first "improved fork-split" muffin, I must say the firemen needn't worry about their job security.

Hey, at least they're trying.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Fork Split My Ass

The carton of English Muffins reads:

1. Thomas' Original English Muffins are fork split. Gently pull apart.
2. Toast or brown until golden brown.
3. Serve warm with favorite topping.

Translation:

1. Thomas' Original English Muffins have been slightly punctured somewhere off-center along the edge. Good luck finding the holes. If you run your finger along the side, you should find something to grab onto. Gently pull halves apart, rending your muffin into little crumbly pieces. Good luck picking those little seeds from under your nail.
2. Place cumbled remnants into toaster oven. Small pieces will fall through the grate, settle directly on the heating element and catch on fire, setting off your smoke alarm. Wait until neighbors call fire or police departments.
3. When fire or police arrive, serve charred smoking muffin with favorite topping.

Friday, January 06, 2006

I Hate Cell Phones

I know it's a very Andy Rooney-type sentiment. But I really do hate cell phones.

It is amazing how cell phones can deliver instant, on-the-spot communication at any time to anyone anywhere. But then some people take this way too far. For example, here's a cell phone conversation I overheard from the person in front of me in line for a sandwich at Subway this afternoon:

Customer answers phone: Hello? Oh, hi, Cici. Yeah, did you hear about daddy? No? Didn't Aunt Tessa call you? News like this she would have called. Can I have a 12-inch Italian on white? They think it was a heart attack. No, I wanted that on white, please. Can you believe it? He was only 45. Provolone, please. So now I have to go to Virginia tonight. Yeah, he just dropped dead. Just like that. Can I get extra cheese? I meant to call him last night, but I fell asleep. Isn't that just weird? I wish he'd taken better care of himself. Lettuce, tomato, hot peppers, sweet peppers and olives. He was just too fat. He'd been having heart trouble for years. He never listened to nobody. Just mayo and oil please. So the funeral is on Friday and I'll be back for Tara's party on Saturday. Yes, the meal please. No, I'll be fine. Thanks for offering. Can I get a stamp? Okay, bye. Bye!

Of course the sandwich maker took no notice this sad conversation. Because she, too, was on a cell phone.