Fork Split My Ass

The carton of English Muffins reads:

1. Thomas' Original English Muffins are fork split. Gently pull apart.
2. Toast or brown until golden brown.
3. Serve warm with favorite topping.

Translation:

1. Thomas' Original English Muffins have been slightly punctured somewhere off-center along the edge. Good luck finding the holes. If you run your finger along the side, you should find something to grab onto. Gently pull halves apart, rending your muffin into little crumbly pieces. Good luck picking those little seeds from under your nail.
2. Place cumbled remnants into toaster oven. Small pieces will fall through the grate, settle directly on the heating element and catch on fire, setting off your smoke alarm. Wait until neighbors call fire or police departments.
3. When fire or police arrive, serve charred smoking muffin with favorite topping.