How Much Dumber Can I Get?

I fondly remember being intoxicating by the flicker of a 13-inch black-and-white television I had in my room as a child. With bunny ears perched precariously on top of the TV, I could only switch between the seven different channels by getting up from my cushy bean bag chair to spin the dials. The channels were 3, 6, 10, 12, 17, 29 and 57. Today, those sound more like Powerball numbers.

Now, I sit at home on my couch with my remote control -- although I do miss that bean bag chair -- partaking of not just 80+ television stations, but as much other media as I can absorb simultaneously. It's something I like to call "multivegging."

What exactly is multivegging? Well, I'm doing it right now.

• The television is tuned to "Deal or No Deal." The sound is muted as this is a game show that requires no audio. Judging by tonight's contestant, apparently it doesn't require a fifth-grade math education, either.
  
• The XM Radio is on, tuned to an out-of-town baseball game. This also has a small screen on it displaying the current score, inning and number of outs.
  
• My laptop is open and online and there are no less than five tabs open in my browser.
  
  
  
  1. An online poker game I switch to every time the alert tells my it's my turn to act. I'm raising on a heart flush draw right now.
     
  2. A live box score from one other baseball game I'm currently tracking. I know, it's too early to scoreboard watch.
     
  3. An eBay auction item I've been monitoring for a week that ends in just three -- wait, two -- minutes. Crap, outbid again!
     
  4. An online crossword puzzle I fill in as a diversion -- a sorbet of the senses, if you will. Hey, what's a four-letter word for "bread spread?"
     
  5. And of course, this blog I'm currently typing. Does that explain all the typos?
  
  
• Oh, did I mention there's an issue of Chesapeake Home next to me, opened to an article on maintaining your hardwood floors? This is notable, of course, because I neither own a "Chesapeake Home" nor have any hardwood floors in my current home. In fact, the magazine subscription isn't even mine. It just arrives every month in my mailbox, addressed to the previous resident who has been deceased for no less than ten years.
  

I digress.

I know, you're probably wondering, "How is 'multivegging' different from 'multitasking?' "

"Multitasking" implies that you're actually doing something -- a task. I do this at work all the time. While I'm on the phone, I'll finish up an e-mail or file away important papers in the shredder. I'm able to fully accomplish two things at once. Talk about efficiency! Conversely, "multivegging" is about doing lots of nothing all at once. Right now, I'm processing as much useless, unavailing, time-wasting information as possible. After a long day of multitasking at work, it takes more than just one or two or three diversions for me to unwind. I need a circus of distractions to liquify my brain.

My wife, meanwhile, is in the other room, on the other computer, watching the other TV.

And somewhere in the house, a baby sits neglected. Hey, where is that kid anyway?