40 Weeks

Yes, Mrs. Ethos is with child (hopefully mine). If this is news to you, perhaps you should call more often. And I'm sorrry you had to read about it on a blog page. That's incredibly lame.

This impending miracle will surely be a limitless source of cute stories, embarassing parenting missteps and humorous visits from zany social workers. But you will read none of that here. OK, never say never. But here's my guarantee:

This blog will remain 68.29% baby-free.

If ever you are dissatisfied with the level of non-baby material being posted, please reprimand me in the comments area. However, pot-shots at my wife or child will not be tolerated. You may instead make fun of my growing "sympathy belly."

If you're concerned that my soon-to-be fatherhood will limit my free time to hang out, remember that between my work schedule and my penchant for hookers, you probably haven't seen much of me in the last five years anyway. So I'll still be totally available to hang out -- just as soon as I get the diaper genie emptied, the stroller fixed and the baby fed and put down for a nap.

You probably have many other questions, so to save us all some time, below is the baby FAQ section:

When is she due?
-What is she a goddamn library book or something? Do I get charged a nickel for everyday she's late? OK, December 8 (2005).

How is she feeling?
-Hell if I know. Every time we start talking, she runs off to pee or falls asleep.

Was this planned?
-None of your fucking business. And Yes.

Are you going to find out if it's a boy or a girl?
-I certainly hope so. I know I have zero experience with babies, but that much I should be able to figure out.

Do you have names picked out yet?
-Yes. But my wife hasn't agreed to them yet.

Will your wife get the Down Syndrome screening?
-I'm pretty sure she doesn't have Down Syndrome. But I guess it wouldn't hurt to be doubly sure.

Will you raise it to be a Phillies fan or an Orioles fan?
-Orioles. Cmon, the kid's gonna have enough problems already.