Where Are My Glasses? [Part IV]

Until now, I had only bought a couple of items off ebay -- new camera equipment mostly. These were not items I bid on. I got them at the “Buy Now” price. (If you are unfamiliar with how ebay works, I am not going to explain it here. Go to the site and see for yourself. Just try to not get ripped off.) Previously, I had neither the courage to go through the bidding process nor the patience to wait until the auctions expired (in “8d, 11h, 32m”).

Sporting a mild buzz from two White Russians and woozy from the persistent carbon-monoxide leak in our apartment, I settled in behind the keyboard of my laptop to dip my toe in the dark wold of ebay. I searched the site for matching sets of the Crown Royal glasses I now had to have. It's such a bizarre thing to want to collect, but I had to have more. I wanted all of my friends and guests to experience the same peaceful serenity I had the first moment I raised that glass.

After a quick search, I realized that these glasses were not only collectible, but also oddly plentiful on ebay. There, among the listings for neon Budweiser signs and Miller Girl blowup dolls, were dozens of sellers offering my treasured Crown Royal etched highball glasses. Let the bidding begin!

Over the next several days, I bid on multiple sets of glasses sold by seemingly reputable sellers. I entered what I thought was a pretty generous offer for what is really a cheap piece of glass. And ebay would cheerily inform me that "You are the current high bidder!" I would sit back, smugly cross my arms and wait for my bounty to arrive. But of course, It wasn't that easy.

Another member of the ebay community -- someone with the screen name "mcdoogie44" -- seemed to have a similar affinity for these glasses. And "mcdoogie44" had an obnoxious way of showing it. Moments before the auctions were to expire, "mcdoogie44" would sweep in and outbid me. Not only was I in disbelief that there are 43 other members with the screen name "mcdoogie" but that any one person would need so many matching glasses.

As "mcdoogie44" continued to steal away my precious glasses, each time at the very last second, I grew increasingly impudent. I’m not going to let this schmuck get my James-Bond-without-the-tuxedo-and-explosive-cufflinks etched highball drinking glasses. So I continued bidding on sets of these glasses, one after another, raising the price higher and higher. "mcdoogie44" was not deterred. "mcdoogie44" paid some outrageous amounts for these glasses. I garnered great satisfaction knowing that I was making this person pay more and more for his addiction to cheap barware.

Now, with toxic blend of ire and free time, I looked up "mcdoogie44" on the ebay listings to see what I could learn about my nemesis. What ebay allows you to do is look at every member's activities -- what they've bought, how much they paid for them and how they bid. I scroll through the list of items recently purchased by "mcdoogie44." At the top of the list are the glasses. My glasses. Further down are Hummel figurines. And then more figurines. Dozens of them. If you don’t know, Hummel figurines are these shitty little European-made statues, each about four inches high, depicting stupid little scenes of Aryan kids playing the piano, sledding down a hill or being toilet-trained. The list goes on and on displaying more and more figurines. Who is this freak -- an alcoholic with an obsession for whiskey and small Scandanavian children? And how close am I to becoming this guy myself?

Creeped out by the whole experience, I eventually give up altogether. I savor the two beautiful Crown Royal etched highball glasses I have and move on with my life.

A couple of weeks later, beckoned by my own sulking ego, I go back on ebay and search for my favorite collectible. Oddly, at this moment there is only one set of glasses currently being offered. I smirk and type in the lowest possible bid. I submit my bid and wait. The auction ends in nine days, four hours and three minutes.

You may be asking yourself, "Why don't you just wait until the last minute of the auction and then enter your bid, in hopes that you'll outsmart 'mcdoogie44' ? " Answer: I have a wife and job. And keeping up with this blog is hard enough.

I had completely forgotten about my bid until I got an e-mail in my box nine days later. It was from ebay. I open it expecting the usual message. (You've been outbid! Find similar items by clicking here!") But not this time. The message surprisingly tells me that I won the auction. Finally, the glasses are mine! I was the only bidder with no sign of "mcdoogie44." I've made off with the greatest bargain ever.

While I enjoy the rush of my victory, I do wonder what happened to "mcdoogie44." Did he drink himself to death? Was he picked up on charges of child molestation? Did he sell his Hummel collection and retire to Aruba? Visiting his list of most-recently purchased items, It seems "mcdoogie44" had not moved to Aruba. He had moved on to Hallmark Christmas ornaments. With "mcdoogie44" seemingly now out of the picture, I could now have all the Crown Royal etched highball glasses I wanted. But I had all I needed. Several days later, my glasses arrived, packed neatly in bubble wrap. Each one was, as advertised, in mint condition. They looked pretty, but the moment had passed. It was just kind of a disappointment.

I washed all the glasses, stacked them neatly one on top of another and stored them in the back of the bookshelves. Most likely they'll be forgotten back there. I can only hope that I remember to take them with us when we move.

Moral of the story: Don't forget to look underneath the kitchen drawers before you buy a new home.