Uniform Uniformity

Men are more fashion conscious than they let on. Clothing is not something to be fussed with or talked about in the company of other men. But in the privacy of one's home -– or perhaps a locker room -– even the most chiseled men can become seamstresses and fashionistas.

Professional athletes are quite experimental when it comes to their threads, as demonstrated by the bizarre get-ups often on display during post-game press conferences or pre-game specials. For example, lime-green sharkskin suits with backwards lapels are not uncommon for some of these guys. But athletes don't just get bold with their street clothes. They can also get quite creative with their uniforms on the field, too –- sometimes too creative.

The Official Rules of Major League Baseball have an entire section dedicated to the appearance of players' uniforms. Most of the rules pertaining to on-field habiliments are routine guidelines pertaining to home uniform color (white*) or the minimum size of numbers included on the backs of jerseys (six inches). There are a couple slightly more surprising restrictions such as the limitation on glass or metal buttons on jerseys. Wouldn't those hurt to slide on? Or the ban on any "pattern that imitates or suggests the shape of a baseball." One might assume that this is mainly directed at pitchers who could use such ball-shaped embroidery as a distraction to hitters. But this seems like a double standard since every member of the St. Louis Cardinals is allowed to step into the batter's box with the likeness of a bat splayed across his chest. This doesn't seem fair to pitchers.

The collective bargaining agreement between the Major League Baseball Players' Association and MLB gets even more specific when it comes to "uniform regulations." (Regulations, in this author's opinion, are always best when uniform.) These provisions are a "supplement" to the MLB official rules and are an interesting insight into the peculiar behavior of professional athletes when it comes to hemming and stitching.

The first such regulation that caught my attention was a restriction on the practice of lacing one's shoes through one's pants. Kids these days. Additionally "pants pockets may not intentionally be untucked." I thought the tuck rule only existed in the NFL. Speaking of tucking, jerseys also may not be "ordered or altered to a length where it cannot be properly tucked in." I didn't realize baseball was so anti-midriff.

Shoe endorsements are big in basketball, but baseball players are clearly limited by a pesky ban on a runner's ability to "change shoes while running bases." The practicality of changing your shoes while running simply baffles me.

And these uniform rules don't apply solely to baseball equipment. Apparently "any player wearing a golf glove underneath a playing glove may not rub up balls for use by the pitcher." Well, one certainly shouldn't waste time rubbing up a baseball while in the middle of a round of 18. This just holds up the whole foursome.

What I find absent from all these rules is any mention of stirrups. Ordinarily found only on women's stretch pants, stirrups also used to be essential baseball attire. For many of us, stirrups were the most fascinating part of the little league baseball uniform. Once one figured out the front from the back, and how to wear them without them bunching up inside your cleats, stirrups were the best part of dressing for a game. Back then all the big leaguers wore stirrups, too, stretched high up on the calf creating the illusion of a crisp, broad stripe that ran from the waist, down into the shoe. Alas, it appears the stirrup has gone the way of the helmet-without-earflaps and powder-blue jerseys. Maybe they'll come back some day along with those whacky pillbox hats.

Note:
* The Sand Francisco Giants' home uniforms are not white. They are a light cream color.